


The Torment of Existence

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Forbidden Love, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Rebellion, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:34:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25736626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Dan was born into a world where your eyes mean everything. If you have grey eyes you're fine, but those with colored eyes are usually blind. Dan is one of the few who are not.
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 7
Kudos: 20
Collections: Phandom Reverse Bang 2020





	1. Chapter 1

Dan stared sadly out the window of his house, sitting on the ledge with his leg dangling out and resting on the side of the house. He could see the trees and the sky. Even though he was nearing his eighteenth birthday, he should have been used to this. But some days he wished that he wasn’t, well in his words, cursed with this ability. It was just being able to see, which for others didn’t mean much, if anything, to them. But for Dan, it was his entire being. 

Dan had brown eyes. His parents had grey. His grandparents had grey. Everyone he knew had grey eyes. This shouldn’t matter, but it did. Dan was special. Anyone who was born with colored eyes didn’t possess the ability to see. They would never see a day in their lives, and yet Dan was able to. It astonished everyone when they realized that in fact, he could see. His family was grateful, but growing up, Dan wasn’t. 

Nearly every day, he had wished that he was blind. Throughout his life, outside of his family at least, Dan had never met one person who didn’t think he was odd. Growing up, he was the outcast of school. No one wanted to talk to him, be friends with him, or even associate with him. Many times Dan would walk home from school crying because someone whom he thought wanted to be his friend was only in it to humiliate him at the end of the day. 

Anyone at his school who did have colored eyes was blind. But they had no problems fitting in, no problems having friends. They lived normal lives, but just did not possess the ability to see like Dan did. And some days he pitied those who couldn’t. There were beautiful aspects to the world that he enjoyed, but he should not have been allowed to see. Life would be easier. 

Climbing into his room, hoping he wouldn’t trip and fall, Dan closed the window. A slight breeze was coming through and he was starting to get cold. Rubbing his hands on his arms for warmth, he could feel the goosebumps go down. 

“Dan!” his mum yelled from downstairs. Sighing, Dan grabbed a hoodie from his closet and slipped it on. Walking down the stairs, he shoved his phone into his pocket. Why he had a phone, he wasn’t entirely sure. He didn’t have anyone to talk to, so there was no point in having it. The only person who really texted him was his grandma occasionally. But that was only to ask how he was doing or how to work her iPad. 

“Hm?” he asked, walking into the lounge where his parents were sitting. 

His parents looked over and smiled slightly at him. “We are going out tonight, if you don’t mind,” his dad said. 

Dan shrugged. “Why would I care?” 

His mum sighed but kept her expression mellow. Both she and his dad knew how bad Dan struggled with affection. This was nothing new for them. They would say they’re going out and Dan would just say okay or ask why he would care. 

“Dear,” his mum said to get his attention, “you know, when we’re gone you can invite others over.” 

Dan just stared at the ground and shook his head in frustration. Turning on his heel, he just went back upstairs, slightly stomping the entire time. Dan just wanted to be normal. He wanted eyes like his parents, or he wanted to be blind. He longed for it at this point in his life. Just shy of his eighteenth birthday, Dan thought that this would be his life. 

Nothing was changing for him. He was told that maybe as he got older, things would get better. He would make friends. But he hadn’t. And things weren’t better. 

Going back into his room, Dan locked the door behind him, laying on his bed and burying his face in his pillows. It took only a minute, but he started sobbing loudly until his chest hurt and he felt that he was going to be sick. 

He heard his parents’ car start and leave the driveway, and he kept sobbing. Dan knew that his parents didn’t know how to help. They didn’t have his life. They didn’t have the struggles that he did. So he wasn’t mad that they were unsure of how to help. 

After a little while, Dan managed to calm down without being sick. His parents were still gone and the sun was beginning to set. Standing up, a little too fast as he got dizzy and had to take a moment, he walked into his bathroom. Not bothering to close the door, Dan went and turned the bath on, letting it fill. Digging under his sink, Dan found one of his old bath bombs and took it out of the wrapper, dropping it in the bath. He watched it fizz before undressing himself, throwing his clothes to the side and climbing in. 

Trying to relax, Dan just felt himself thinking and ending up upset again. He was worried about how things would be after his birthday. He still had a little time to decide if he wanted to go to university. But that was stressful alone. If no one had accepted him in high school, well, in all of his schooling he should say, what would make university easier?

There were so many what if’s Dan was fighting against. What if life didn’t get easier? What if things did get better,  _ if _ they ever did, what will happen if it gets bad again? Dan sighed, turning the water off and sinking down into it. He was practically laying on his back with his head underwater for a split second before he sat back up. Wiping his eyes, Dan hugged his knees. His life was never going to be easy, would it?

Over the next week, Dan just kept to himself. Some days he was crying himself to sleep, others he was at least venturing to other parts of the house. His parents were, thankfully, not pushing him. They didn’t understand, but they were trying to give him space and let him come to them, which Dan immensely appreciated. 

The day of his birthday came around faster than he was hoping for. His parents came in and woke him up, as they usually did. It was a tradition almost, they would come in and wake him up after letting him sleep in a little bit. They both gave him $150 and Dan tried to say that he didn’t need it, but they didn’t listen. They wanted him to go spend some on himself today, and ushered him out of the house. This was normal, every year they would give Dan some money and let him go spend it at the mall or some other place. Afterwards, his parents would make him a meal, whatever he wanted for dinner that evening. It was nice, but Dan didn’t want to leave the house. But at the same time, he did. 

He had been walking around the mall for about an hour, going in and out of stores. There was a game shop where he spent a good chunk of time. Buying a video game and a second-hand console, he was slightly happy. He only had to pay a few dollars for it, since he had so many leftover gift cards that he was able to use. And for the time in weeks, Dan smiled. He had this to look forward to this evening and dinner with his parents. For once, the day was going well, and he wasn’t reminded how different he was from everyone else. 

Heading to the food court, Dan decided to get some pretzels from one stand, since he rarely got them. They were a favorite of his from the food court. He paid for them and went to sit down and eat. He only managed to eat a couple before his short lived happiness was killed when he noticed that Ethan and his friends were coming his way. Dan’s stomach dropped, and immediately he got his things and started to head in the other direction. It was a dead end, but he could escape into the stores and hide until they disappeared. 

Ethan and his pals made Dan’s life hell in school. They were always tormenting him, reminding him that he was odd and not well liked by anyone. So Dan wanted to avoid them as much as he could, but sadly, that wouldn’t happen. 

Dan felt an arm wrap around him, stopping him in his tracks and turning him around. 

“Well, well,” Ethan said, “Why didn’t you say hi, freak? You  _ saw _ us coming.” 

“I...no, I didn’t,” Dan lied through his teeth.

Ethan chuckled and just kept walking with Dan. “I know that’s a lie. You aren’t blind, dumbass.” 

Dan managed to wiggle out of Ethan’s grasp and tried excusing himself, but it only made Ethan more angry. He tried to leave, but he was stopped. Ethan was saying things to him, god awful things. Dan was just trying to drown him out at this point. He was trying to let the words go in one ear and out the other, but it wasn’t easy. There was something about it that wasn’t letting him this time around and he didn’t like that feeling. 

Seconds turned into minutes and Dan was praying they would leave him alone. He wasn’t religious by any means, but at this moment he was contemplating it. He zoned out slightly and just heard muffled voices around him. He tried to shake his head and walk away, but at that moment Ethan pushed him. Dan stumbled backwards, not realizing how close they were to the fountain, and he fell in it. 

The entire area around them got quiet, and Ethan and his friends burst into laughter. Dan stared at them through his hair. The console he just bought, and maybe the games as well, were possibly ruined. His little excitement and happiness was gone and he was hearing hatred spewing at him from all angles. He could hear people whispering and he saw them pointing.

Dan just had enough. He wanted away from this life. Starting to cry, he carefully tried to climb out of the fountain and started running to the nearest exit, trying to avoid running into people. His shoes were wet so he was having a little trouble staying up on his feet. But he managed. He ran out of the doors before Ethan and the others could catch up to him. If they even were chasing after him, he wasn’t sure. 

His head was spinning and he just ran home crying. Dan fumbled with the door handle until he managed to get it unlocked and he ran inside. He took his wet shoes and socks off and ran up the stairs and into his room. He sat the wet bag, which contained the stuff he just bought, in the corner of the room. Tears were still streaming down his cheeks. 

Looking around his room, he went to his closet, grabbing a book bag and duffle bag and throwing them onto his bed. Grabbing a few shirts off the hangers, he turned and threw them on the bed. Digging through his dresser, he went and grabbed some pants and threw them onto his bed as well. Rubbing his eyes in frustration, he went and grabbed a towel. Stripping from his soaked clothing, Dan dried off and changed quickly.

Opening the duffle bag, he shoved the clothes into it. He couldn’t stay here. He didn’t want this life. Not one where it involved being humiliated and hated so much. Maybe another part of the world would accept him. Not that he was expecting that, but the hope was nice. Even if it wasn’t much hope. Going into his bathroom, he grabbed his toothbrush and shampoo and threw them into the duffle bag. He did this a few times until he had everything he needed and the bag was full. He threw his chargers into the duffle bag, making them fit until it closed properly. 

Putting his laptop, a couple books and a flashlight into his book bag, he took both downstairs. Setting both bags on the kitchen counter, he threw snacks and a bottle of water into his book bag before zipping it up. He took the SIM card out of his phone so it wouldn’t work and no one would be able to contact him. It was going to be lonely, but at least he wouldn’t be able to see the nasty things that were said about him anymore. 

Sniffling, he looked around and found a little notebook to write on and a pen. He wrote a note down and stuck it on the counter where his parents would see it, and then he slipped shoes on and left. With his book bag on his back and duffle bag slung over his shoulder, he started to run the best he could. He didn’t stop running until he physically couldn’t anymore. 

_ Mum and Dad,  _

_ I was hoping today would be a good day. And it was. At first. I bought a new gaming system and some games and was excited to play them. I was happy for the first time in weeks. Ethan and his friends were at the mall, and they wouldn’t stop calling me things and I got shoved into a fountain. I don’t want this life. I’m going somewhere hopefully people will accept me. I doubt that will ever happen, but it’s a nice thought to think about. Maybe one day I’ll come back home if things are okay and better. I just can’t take the constant hate for being able to see. I don’t like being the outcast that no one likes. Just because I’m different. It’s unfair.  _

_ Thank you guys for not treating me differently and I hope you aren’t too mad about me leaving. Love you.  _

_ Dan, xoxo. _

Dan walked for what felt like an eternity. He wasn’t entirely sure where he was, but he didn’t care. It wasn’t home and that was okay. He didn’t enjoy home anymore, the town he grew up in was nothing but a thought of the past now. And that alone brought relief to Dan that he was desperate to keep. 

His eyes were red and puffy and hurt to the touch. The breeze made them sting a bit as well. He had cried up until a few hours prior when he made himself sick again from it. He was walking through a forest and was a bit intimidated by the noises around him. With the sun beginning to set, he was a little scared. Stopping, he dug the flashlight out of his bag and kept walking. Avoiding branches and bushes, he heard the sounds of water running and followed it until he came to a small stream. It was probably a mountain stream that had just flowed down through here for years. 

Dan checked the water and set his bags down. Grabbing his toothbrush and toothpaste from the bag, he used the water from the stream to brush his teeth. Once he was finished, Dan shined his light around and tried to find someplace he could sleep for the night. He was getting tired, and there was no way that he was going to make it through the night without falling asleep at some point. Plus, his legs were killing him and he needed a break.

He walked a bit further after cleaning his things up and found a spot under a tree. It looked relatively safe, and there were bushes around it. They had some type of flower on it, so he assumed that they were safe. Crawling behind it, he placed his duffle bag down and laid his head against it. In no means was this comfortable and he was cold. He should have grabbed a blanket. 

Curling up, Dan closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep. It was only now hitting him that he actually ran off. Part of him wondered if it would be better to go back. He hadn’t even been gone for ten hours and he was missing his parents so much. His stomach was churning and he realized that he was on his own now. 

Dan cried himself to sleep that night.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> big thanks to itsmyusualphannie for editing this for me

The next couple of days were nothing but a repeat. It was the same thing, walking for a while, resting and then walking until nightfall. He was almost out of water and snacks at this point and he was worried. He didn’t know how to find food. Sure, he could drink water out of the streams, but the ones he was coming across now didn’t look the best and he didn’t trust them. 

Dan had left on Sunday, and he had been traveling for about three days. His phone had died and his laptop was dead as well, so he couldn’t check the time or date. But he would just assume that it was Wednesday. He wanted to at least keep track of the days, so when he did find someplace to go he would have a little concept of the time. 

Dan was walking on a path that he had found when he noticed someone coming his way. Their eyes looked colored and Dan cried internally. They would be blind and not even able to see Dan. So he just dropped his head and kept walking. Accidentally bumping into the person, Dan stuttered an apology and didn’t see the confused look on the guy’s face as he walked away. He didn’t even get five steps further than he was before the man spoke. 

“Hey kid, why are you wandering around with two bags like that?”

Dan froze in his tracks and his head shot up. Turning on his heel, he looked the person deep in the eyes. This guy had the deepest green eyes Dan ever saw. They were quite beautiful. Dan felt his eyes tear up and he choked out a question. 

“You… you can?” Dan started. “See.. me?” 

This mystery person just smiled at him slightly and nodded. Dan dropped his duffle bag and just stared at him. He didn’t know what to think. Holding up four fingers, Dan asked him how many and the man replied four. Dan just laughed nervously and sniffled. He started to pace a bit and was just taken back by this. Never in his eighteen years of life had he met someone like him. He was under the impression that he was the only one like this. 

He muttered to himself that he had to be dreaming and that he needed to wake up, and finally, he sat on the ground for a minute and cried into his hands. 

“Hey,.” There was a hand on his back and he jumped. “Hey, it’s okay. Don’t cry, what’s wrong?” Dan was still crying when the man introduced himself as Joshua. Dan looked at him and again at his eyes just to see if his mind was playing tricks on him. His eyes were still green. Dan felt tears roll down his cheeks and he wiped them away quickly. 

Joshua repeated his question again, his voice calm and patient with Dan. Figuring he had nothing to lose, Dan told him what he was doing. 

Nodding, Joshua stood up and reached out for Dan. Dan took his hand and let him help him up. 

“Come on, I have a place that you would fit in.” 

Joshua took Dan’s duffle bag from him and walked the direction in which Dan came from. Instead of going straight, he went down a fork in the path and headed left. Dan ran after him and followed him. Joshua talked to him for a little while, and Dan told him some more of what happened and why he was out in the forest like this. Dan’s stomach was churning and he felt like he was going to be sick. He was talking to someone like him.  _ Quite literally.  _ Dan had so many questions he wanted to ask, but he couldn’t form the words to do so. 

His mind couldn’t wrap around what was happening. So no words were coming out of his mouth, even if he wanted them too. They walked for about an hour Dan assumed. Joshua was just talking to talk and keep Dan from crying again, or at least he assumed. There was a lot going on his mind and he definitely was not far from tears if he had to say so himself. Just one word and he knew he would be crying again. It wasn’t exactly the best first impression with someone. But, what could he do about it? 

“It’s not far from here. I just need to go through town for a couple things,” Joshua said and Dan nodded, looking around.

He wasn’t sure where they were. He had never seen this place before. It was a small run-down town and in the distance he could see what looked like the remains of a larger city. There were a few abandoned buildings, but he didn’t know much about them. It was eerie to him honestly. 

He followed Joshua and just kept his head down, avoiding anyone who walked by him. Dan didn’t see the odd looks from Joshua, but he didn’t have Joshua pressing him about anything. For that, he was grateful. Telling him to just wait here, Joshua went inside, but he came out swiftly after and they continued on. 

Dan followed him and kept his head down. If anyone passed by, he refused to look up. Joshua had looked back to Dan and noticed that, but didn’t say much of anything about it. 

“When we get there, don’t let Eira scare you,” Joshua said. 

Dan looked up at him. Eira? Who was that? Dan felt his palms sweat and he got a little bit anxious again, stopping in his tracks. He stood there, fiddling with his fingers, and shook his head. 

“Who… who is that?” Dan asked quietly, and Joshua stopped and turned to look at him. Dan looked like a lost deer in headlights. Joshua’s expression softened and he set down the things in his hands, walking over to Dan. 

“She’s a friend, don't worry. She just can get a bit excited meeting others.” 

Dan wanted to ask if she was like him, but something held him back and he felt as if he was choking on his words. Joshua grabbed his things again and started walking. After a moment, Dan ran to catch up with him. He started running and kept a bit of distance away from him and Joshua. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust him, but he didn’t trust him. And Dan was starting to have thoughts about this. 

He was just putting his entire being into the hands of this stranger at this point. He had no idea what was coming. There was something digging at him on the inside, but it was hard to figure out what. Dan hoped that everything would end well. It was going well so far, and that had to be a positive sign, right? Joshua was like him. Other than his parents, Joshua was the nicest person he ever had interacted with in his life. 

Turning and entering what looked like an abandoned street, Joshua took Dan to a building that seemed to be an old hotel. There were lights on inside from what Dan could see, and he stood there and looked up. There was one light on for each of the floors. He heard yelling and running around inside, which caused him to jump and he stepped back. This was a bad idea. Dan was regretting following Joshua. It was a trap, wasn’t it? Was Joshua wearing contacts? He’d never met someone who was ignorant enough to do so. But he wouldn’t be surprised in this world. 

Joshua noticed the uneasy look on Dan’s face and could only offer him a soft smile. “It’s probably just Eira messing with the others, don’t worry. She’s harmless, I promise.” 

Joshua headed inside and Dan just followed, dragging his feet the entire time. Inside there was someone lying on a couch, and a girl walking around muttering something that Dan couldn’t quite understand. When she noticed them - well, Joshua, since Dan was hiding behind him - she walked over to him. 

“Joshua, did you steal my snacks? I told you time and time again not to touch the - ” She stopped talking as she noticed Dan. Dan had his head down, pretty much afraid to look up. 

“Where’s Phil and Angel?” Joshua asked. 

“Angel’s on the couch.,” she said. “Who’s that?” 

“Go get Phil, please?” Joshua asked, and she nodded. She ran upstairs and came back down with someone following her. “Angel, look here.” 

The girl on the couch, Angel, groaned as she sat up and looked over. Joshua stepped out of the way, revealing Dan, and they all just looked at him for a moment. Joshua whispered in Dan’s ear, telling him it was alright to look up, and he did so hesitantly. When he glanced up, the first thing he noticed about the three people in front of him were their eyes. 

The two girls had brown eyes, just like Dan. And the other guy had blue ones. Dan’s jaw dropped open slightly, and he kept looking at all of them. He had no words. They were all looking at him and smiling slightly. Angel opened her mouth to speak, but Dan cut her off before she could even get a word out. 

“Can… You guys ca - can see me?” 

Angel, and who Dan presumed to be Eira, nodded in unison. The other guy, who Dan assumed was Phil, just offered him a smile. Dan just stared at them all, and once again, just like when he realized that Joshua could see him, hee burst into tears.

Everyone was watching him, and Dan was just there sobbing. There was a lot going on and he couldn’t wrap his head around everything. There were people in front of him who were like him. Who could see, just like him. 

“Aww, don’t cry,” one of the girls said, and walked over to rub Dan’s back. She hugged him after that, and Dan just stood there and let her as he eventually calmed down. 

Dan looked around again. Joshua was offering Dan another smile, and he moved back out of the girl’s arms. 

“I’m Eira,” she told him and then looked at the other guy. “That’s Phil, and Angel is over there on the couch.” 

Angel hopped up off the couch and walked over to hug Dan as well. She just told him the same thing that Eira said about not crying. She added that things were alright and that if he wanted, he was safe here. 

“Come on,” Phil said. “I’ll show you where you can put your stuff.” Phil grabbed one of Dan’s bags from him and started to walk away. 

Dan looked at him, nervous but also scared, and he nodded slightly and headed upstairs. Following him, the only thing Dan was thinking about was how he could get himself into this mess. What if this was a trick and he would be treated poorly? That was a possibility and he didn’t want to go through more than he had to. He could just leave at the first moment things seemed a bit sketchy. Yeah, that would be a good plan for him. 

After walking up a couple flights of stairs, Dan’s legs were starting to burn. Thankfully for him, Phil said that this was the room and they walked into it. Much to Dan’s surprise, it was nice. There was a large bed, and the covering was quite nice as well. Of course, it was just a simple blue color with some designs on it, but it all looked nice as Dan looked around the room. 

“Thi - ” 

“This used to be a hotel,” Phil accidentally cut him off. “Oh, sorry, what were you going to say?”

“It… It’s okay,” Dan told him. “That answered my - my, uh, question.”

Phil nodded and set Dan’s bag down gently on the bed. He had a few questions himself that he wanted to ask Dan, but Phil didn’t want to push him too far right now. He had no idea what this kid had gone through. But he didn’t want to possibly make his experiences worse. 

Dan sat on the edge of the bed and wiped his eyes. His sides hurt and he was tired. He hadn’t slept in an actual bed in days, and he was excited to sleep in one again. Even if it was possibly only a one-time thing. It would be fine. He just needed a break from the cold ground. 

Phil told Dan to come down when he was ready and left. He closed the door behind him, and Dan immediately got up and locked it before running back over and climbing onto the bed. He sat there and hugged his knees. A huge part of Dan wanted to go home. He missed his parents and his room and his things. How were his parents dealing with him being gone? Did they call the police and had a search party looking for him or something? He didn’t want to know the answer to that question. He knew the answer to one thing, though. Hee couldn’t go back to  _ that  _ life. Especially not when he may have found people like him. People who would understand him and he could get along with. 

Another part of him, though, had doubts. What if they were just wearing contacts? Dan could ask them to prove they weren’t, couldn’t he? It may come off as rude, but he wanted to make sure that he wasn’t being tricked. 

Overwhelmed again, Dan started to cry. Climbing under the covers, he curled up and held them close to him. He laid there and sobbed his heart out until he fell asleep. 

For the first time in a long time, Dan slept peacefully. It was sad that this is what it came to for him to sleep like nothing was wrong. Granted, he did cry himself to sleep, but he slept wonderfully. There were no dreams that anyone was going to hurt him again. Not like everyone did at school. 

Stretching as he woke, Dan slowly opened his eyes and instantly jumped up. Momentarily, he forgot where he was and when he remembered, he sighed in relief. Running his hand through his hair, he yawned. Looking over, Dan noticed that the sun was starting to go down. He had to have been asleep for about four - maybe five - hours. 

Climbing out of the bed, Dan walked into the bathroom. If he stayed here, he assumed it would be his private bathroom. That was a nice thought. Looking in the mirror, Dan truly noticed how bad he looked. His hair was greasy, there were bags under his eyes, and he probably wasn’t smelling the greatest either. 

Splashing cold water on his face, he hummed at the sensation. It woke him up a bit, and maybe would help. Help what, he wasn’t sure. But something. As he grabbed a towel that was sitting on the back of the toilet, he dried his face. Shaking his head, he heard everyone yelling and laughing downstairs. Part of him wanted to go and see what was going on, but the other part was scared. 

He didn’t know these people, and who was to say that he could trust them? Maybe he would be able to one day. Who knows. Dan sure didn’t. Staring in the mirror at himself, all he could do was curse over his eyes. 

If he just had grey eyes - or had been born blind - he would still be home with his parents. Granted, if he was blind he wouldn’t have been able to see the world or his parents, but at this point that seemed like a blessing. He would have had it easy in life, but nothing ever came easy, did it? 

Going back into his room, he dug in his book bag and grabbed his laptop and phone chargers. He went and plugged them both in, feeling a small twinge of joy when he saw they were charging. He could at least keep himself entertained here soon. 

Sitting back on the bed, he bit his lip. He could call his parents. Just tell them that he was okay. But would they try and make him come home? They technically couldn’t. He was an adult now, but they could try and talk him into it. Dan didn’t want to return to that hateful town if he didn’t have to. That was the only problem. He didn’t want to go anywhere that may have the same kind of cruel and - well -  _ evil _ people that he had been dealing with his entire life. 

His stomach growled and he grabbed his bag to look into it, remembering that he had eaten the snacks he did have. He was gonna have to go ask them for food. He had been living off almost nothing the last few days and he was desperate for food. Grabbing his hoodie out of his duffle bag, he slipped it on and headed out. He underestimated how many stairs he would be walking down. Dan just hated stairs. It would be fine. 

As he got closer to the bottom floor, all of their voices got louder. They were just laughing and hanging out it sounded like, and Dan didn’t want to intrude, but he was starving. He quietly snuck around the corner and saw them all playing some game he hadn’t seen before. They were sitting in front of the TV and around this game board. At first, none of them noticed him, until one of the girls - he couldn’t remember who - looked over at him. 

“Dan!” she said cheerfully, and the others looked over as well. He didn’t really remember which one she was. He felt a little bad about it, but there was nothing he could do. He did just sleep for a while. 

“Um...sorry, I don’t wanna interrupt,” Dan started and then mumbled, “I’m just starving and yeah.” 

“It’s okay,” she chirped and motioned for Phil to help Dan. “Phil, you go last, so go help. By the time you’re done, it’ll be your turn.” 

“Okay” He laughed and stood up, walking over to Dan. “This way again.” 

Instead of going up the stairs this time, they just went to a room connected to this main lounge. Phil led Dan into a huge kitchen with a few fridges and stoves. Dan stood there and looked around. He was kind of in awe. It was huge and he hadn’t seen a kitchen like this in his life. 

“If you want, we have leftovers you could eat, or Angel is gonna make dinner here soon actually, and you can just snack on something until then?” 

Dan was hesitant to answer. He didn’t know if he wanted to eat with these people. But it would give him a chance to learn a little bit about them. Things that he may have wanted the answers to. If he didn’t get any sort of answers, though, he could always ask in the morning when he has a better train of thought. 

Not realizing just how long he had been silent and not answering, Dan was pulled out of his trance when Phil waved his hand in front of Dan’s face, and he snapped out of it. Shaking his head, he looked at Phil and Phil just chuckled. 

“You all good there?” 

Dan nodded slightly and rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry I...I uh, trailed off. Um, what is she making?” 

“That -” Phil whipped around quickly, “ - Is a good question. Angel, what are you making then?” 

“Probably just something with chicken. And then something meatless for Eira.” 

Phil turned back around to Dan promptly and chuckled. “There is your answer.” 

Dan was confused why they were making two different meals, but he didn’t want to push it and make anyone angry. Especially not Eira It was the last thing Dan wanted to do right now. 

“Uh, I’ll ea… eat with you guys?” 

Phil just smiled and asked Dan what kind of snacks he wanted. Once Dan told him, he grabbed them and they walked out into the lounge. Dan sat on the couch behind them, watching as they went back to playing. He was kind of confused as to what they were doing. Part of him wanted them to teach him, but he didn’t want to intrude. 

Growing up, Dan never had friends to play games with like this. Part of him was insanely jealous. They all had something that he didn’t get to have. It was stupid to be jealous, but when Dan had a shit life and seeing the only people like him have friends, it hurt. Why couldn’t he have that? 

Dan didn’t even realize that tears of frustration were running down his cheeks until Angel was tapping his leg. 

“Hey, you okay?” 

He blinked and looked at her, noticing that everyone was staring at him. Shrinking back slightly, Dan wiped his eyes and excused himself and ran up the stairs. He forgot what flight his bedroom was on, so he just ran up the stairs until he couldn’t physically run any longer and he broke down again. He sobbed into his hands and his body shook. 

He could hear someone coming up the stairs, but if he was honest, he didn’t have the energy to bother running anymore. He just wanted to sit and cry. He wanted his life, but a better version of it. He wanted friends. He wanted happiness, but he was the only one who didn’t have that. 

Dan just sobbed. He wanted to run, but he couldn’t. He could only go up, but even then, he would run out of steps to go up and he’d be caught in a dead end. There was nothing he could do. Coming here had to have been a mistake. Why else would he be sat up on these steps just crying his eyes out? 

Someone sat beside him, and there was a hand on his back. Dan immediately flinched and retracted away, and the person didn’t put their hand back. He didn’t know which of them were beside him and he was too scared to look if he was honest. While they were all being nice, what if that didn’t last?

“Hey, it’s okay,” said Phil, who was the one who turned out to be beside him. Dan just sat there crying. Even though they were complete strangers, Dan knew that nothing was okay. How could he even begin to say that it wasn’t okay? He didn’t trust Phil. At this point, Dan just wanted to go home. He wanted his parents. But he didn’t want that life back, so he couldn’t go back. 

He refused to. No matter how badly he was missing others. There was no way he would go back. Dan had learned the hard way that he wasn’t wanted and he wasn’t going to through that again. He assumed that if he stayed here, it would be the same. He would learn the hard way that he wasn’t welcome, and he didn’t want to go through that again. 

Phil started to randomly talk beside him, which Dan assumed was to keep him calm, but he wasn’t really listening since his ears were ringing. Dan eventually calmed down. He hadn’t really listened to a word that Phil said, but he slightly wished he had although he was okay with knowing he hadn’t. 

Wiping his eyes, Dan stared down the stairs. He didn’t say anything and Phil stopped talking. Phil laid his hand on Dan’s back and carefully moved his hand back and forth in a rubbing motion. It was a bit comforting, Dan would have to admit. Biting his lip, he slightly looked over to Phil, and Phil looked at him. Phil gave him a small but reassuring smile, and Dan gave him nothing in return. Not that he was expecting anything. 

The two sat there for a while. Phil rubbing Dan’s back and Dan just staring out into nothing. Every now and then, they would hear everyone downstairs, but it wasn’t much. Dan was aching and his head was throbbing, but he didn’t want to ask for anything. He didn’t need to give them a reason to hold anything over his head. Unsure if that would happen, and before he could even possibly think of something to ask Phil, Phil spoke.

“What’s going on?” Phil asked him calmly. “I mean like, what made you run away?”

Run away. How did Phil know that? Dan never mentioned that, did he? Everything from the last couple of days was a blur, maybe he did say something along those lines, but did he? Oh well. He couldn’t exactly deny it either, could he? He couldn’t come up with an elaborate lie off the top of his head to explain what he was doing. Especially not in this state. 

“You know...” Phil took his hand away and looked at Dan, “I ran away too.” Dan blinked and turned his head and looked at Phil. “I was fourteen when I met Angel and she took me in. She was already here. Slowly over the years, we met Eira and Joshua and now you.” 

Dan sniffled and looked away and dropped his head. “M.. my life is hell,” he muttered quietly. Phil almost didn’t hear him. 

Phil nodded slightly and sighed. “I know what that’s like, Dan. We all do. Every one of us were the outcasts of school and life.” 

Dan cut him off before he could speak again. He just started to ramble on about how life was shit for him back home. How nothing was okay, and how he had no friends. Eventually, he got to what happened on his birthday and was slightly crying again. There was one part that he said without hesitation, and it was how he didn’t think he could trust any of them here, and Phil just nodded in response. 

“None of us expect you to trust us straight away. But none of us will hurt you.” 

Dan sat there quietly. He could ask if they were lying and wore contacts now and get the answer. But he was afraid to do that. Dan was terrified to know anything about these people, because what if it would point him in the direction that they weren’t good people? 

Phil stood up and held his hand out for Dan. “C’mon. I think maybe if we all introduce ourselves to you - more formally I mean - that’ll help.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! i hope you enjoyed and you can find me on tumblr [@flymetomanchester](https://flymetomanchester.tumblr.com) and you can find the post for this fic [here!](https://flymetomanchester.tumblr.com/post/626467498279206912/the-torment-of-existence-2-dan-was-born-into-a)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while since I updated, but life just kind of gets in the way. But enjoy :)

Dan just stared at him. He was petrified, but he hesitantly let Phil help him up, and slowly they made their way back down. His legs were throbbing, so when they finally got to the bottom floor, and Dan could sit down, he was happy. He hated stairs, but hey, what could he do?

Phil pulled everyone but Dan to the side and quietly explained everything that Dan had said. Dan felt a couple of them look at him, but he just kept his head down. After a moment, Phil came and sat beside Dan. Eira sat on the other side of Dan, and Angel and Joshua sat on the floor. 

Eira rubbed Dan’s back slightly and started talking first. Dan quickly learned that she was twenty-two herself and her birthday was a few days away. Dan kept quiet about when his birthday was. He didn’t want them, well, other than Phil he supposed, to know. He did, however, blab to Phil, so one of them knew. Hopefully, no one else would. 

Dan learned that Eira and Phil met first. Those two met when Phil was fifteen, and Eira was about eighteen then. Dan wasn’t sure about the ages, and he really didn’t know if he cared. They all knew each other and Dan was the outsider. 

He learned that Angel came next, and then Joshua, and now him. 

They all spent about an hour or so telling Dan random little things about each other. He learned that Angel wanted to be a teacher one day but never was able to achieve that because she was different. He learned that Joshua’s parents kicked him out only a couple of years back because their son being different had been affecting  _ them  _ too much. 

Dan was learning slowly that they all had similar stories to him. Well, similar in some way. But Dan still felt like he was intruding on them and their happiness. There was nothing special about him, and he still worried they were pranking him. 

“Do you wear contacts to trick me?” Dan blurted out and immediately felt bad. He felt the hand on his back retract and everyone stared at him. He kept his head down and sniffled. He felt awful asking, but he had to know.

It was silent between them all for a while. No one really moved, no one said anything and Dan could hear his heart pounding out of his chest as he wiped his eyes.

“Dan,” Angel said. She moved to crouch in front of him and Dan didn’t look at her. He couldn’t physically make himself look up, even if he wanted. It felt like he couldn’t move and Dan felt Angel’s hand under his chin, gently lifting his head to look at her. “I promise, and I swear, no one would trick you like that.”

Dan just watched her with tears in his eyes. He wasn’t sure what to say, and then he felt someone’s arms around him and pulled him into a hug. Realizing it was Eira, Dan sniffled and caved in, leaning into her and letting her hold him. Oddly enough for him, it felt nice. Maybe Dan just needed a hug. Maybe he could learn to trust these people. But Dan wasn’t sure and maybe he never would be. Only time could tell. 

-

As the next few months passed, Dan grew close to them all. It took a little bit of effort from Dan and everyone, but Dan felt at home. He was starting to love himself, and the world around him and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that. It was weird and didn’t feel like what he had thought, but maybe it was a little better. 

Laying in his bed, Dan rolled over and curled up, trying to go back to sleep. When he last checked the time, it was a little over three in the morning, but for some reason he couldn’t sleep. 

Earlier that day, Dan had gone out with Phil. They kinda just walked around and got ice cream, and Dan didn’t think anything of it. But now he couldn’t stop. There was stuff that Dan wasn’t fully grasping that he couldn’t stop thinking about. He almost missed Phil’s company and felt an overwhelming sense of happiness around him. There was also a time during the last couple of weeks where when Phil would mention anything to do with past relationships or liking others, Dan felt jealous. But he didn’t want to go into that. 

There was a knock on his door and Dan groaned, carefully getting up to go open the door. Phil was standing there wearing just a hoodie and old sweatpants. 

“Can’t sleep either?” Phil asked and Dan just watched him before going over and falling back onto his bed, closing his eyes. Phil just chuckled and walked, in, closing the door and sitting on the bed beside Dan. Phil looked at Dan and he was just lying there with his eyes closed. 

Phil smiled and just watched Dan for a minute before looking away. Dan could feel him staring at him, but wasn’t sure what to do so he just laid there until he knew that Phil wasn’t watching him anymore. Sitting up after a little bit, Dan rubbed his eyes and yawned, leaning absent-mindedly into Phil. He felt Phil tense up, so immediately Dan retracted back and bit his lip. He just stared off to the side again while Phil rubbed the back of his head. Dan couldn’t tell if he made Phil uncomfortable or what, but he didn’t know if he wanted to find out exactly. He would just feel bad about it. 

Clearing his throat, Phil grabbed the tv remote from the bedside stand and he turned it on, starting up a random anime. Dan wasn’t paying much attention. Not that it mattered. His mind was racing and he kind of wanted Phil to leave at this point, but it wouldn’t do anything. Nothing else would come from this. Dan laid back down on the bed and he pulled the blanket over himself as much as he could. Well, as much as he could with Phil sitting on the blankets as well. 

Dan’s mind was running again at a million miles an hour. He rolled over, this time facing Phil but not actually looking at him. Yawning, Dan just tried to fall asleep. He laid there and wished for it, until he finally did fall asleep. 

When Dan woke up in the morning, Phil was gone. But the spot beside him was warm, so Phil must have slept in his bed. Beside him. Sitting up, Dan rubbed his eyes and tried shaking it off. Something felt… comforting almost that Phil had slept in his bed instead of leaving. Dan wasn’t sure why he did. And he didn’t want to ask about it either. 

After he finally pulled himself out of bed and showered, he grabbed his phone and headed downstairs. Not seeing anyone, more so he didn’t want to see Phil right now, Dan walked into the kitchen. He still wasn’t sure what he was feeling, and why it was affecting him so much so he was trying to just ignore it all.

Making himself a cup of coffee, Dan pulled his phone out of his pocket and unlocked it. His heart ached as he saw his background, which was a photo of his parents. He had no idea how they were doing or if they even missed him. Dan hoped they missed him too. Especially since he did. He could call them. Just to say hi. 

That wouldn’t go over well for Dan though. He knew if he talked to his parents and heard their voices he’d wanna go back home. Even though he hated his hometown and everything it stood for. And besides, Dan made friends here and felt better than ever.

Not long after Eira came downstairs. Her hair was tossed up into a messy bun and strands of hair were sticking out. Eira had just recently dyed her hair, but it was fading already. But Dan thought it looked cute. 

“Hi Dan.” She yawned and stole his cup of coffee, taking a sip before gagging. Dan stared at her. “Is that black coffee?”

Dan nodded. “Yeah, why?”

Eira made a face and grabbed a mug from one of the cupboards. “How can you drink that? It’s nasty!” 

He just shrugged and took a drink as Eira looked at him and made yet another face. She grabbed the creamer and sugar and poured a bunch into her cup. Mixing it, she took a drink and hummed, obviously satisfied with her creation. 

“Much better.” 

Shaking his head, Dan went back to looking at the photo of his parents, and he didn’t notice when Eira was looking over at him. 

“Who’s that?”

Dan sat there for a minute. Silent. “My mum and dad,” he said. 

Eira smiled sadly at him and rubbed his back reassuringly. Dan just sat there and looked at her. 

“They must be proud of you.” 

Dan shrugged. “I ran away so I doubt it.” 

Eira raised her eyebrow and pushed Dan’s hair out of his face for a second. “So? We all ran away. Some of us still talk to our parents occasionally. They’re proud of us for finding people who accept us.”

Shrugging, Dan just finished his coffee and put the dirty mug in the dishwasher. He was trying to not focus on Eira still staring at him as she drank her own coffee. Over the short time that he has been here, he’s started to feel like Eira was an older sister he never had. He found himself going to her a lot. 

There was one thing that he wanted to ask her, mainly about what was going on with him and Phil. Well, more so what was going on in Dan’s head about Phil. The stuff he wasn’t understanding. But he was scared. There was a chance that Eira would just push him aside and not help him. But there was also that chance that she would be nice and help him understand his thoughts. 

“I have to go into town today if you wanna go along,” she said, and Dan nodded. 

“Sure.”

“I’m gonna go get dressed now and such, but just meet me outside.”

Eira headed upstairs with her coffee in hand and Dan went outside and sat on the steps. Joshua was walking up the road and when he noticed Dan, he came and sat beside him. Dan saw that he had a lit cigarette in his hand and he raised an eyebrow. Joshua noticed and just chuckled. 

“Yeah, every now and then I use it as a stress reliever. Eira and Angel hate it though and yell at me every time they notice.” 

“She’s coming down soon,” Dan said. 

“Which one?” 

“Eira.”

Joshua nodded. They sat quietly as Dan internally cursed him because of the god-awful smell that came from his cigarette. 

Biting his lip, Dan spoke up, “What has you stressed enough to smoke?” 

He chuckled. “Phil.” 

“Phil?”

“He’s just been a handful since you two got a bit closer that’s all.”

Dan could swear that his heart was beating fast enough to bust out of his chest. There was a chill running through him and Dan tried to brush it off, but he couldn’t. What was happening since he and Phil started to get close? Was it something bad? Was he doing something wrong? It would make sense. Dan was the outsider still and maybe Phil was just being nice and didn’t like how close they were getting and that was the problem. 

Joshua must have noticed Dan silently freaking out, or just heard his heart pounding even though Dan was pretty sure that was impossible, because he laughed slightly. “Calm down there, Danny boy. It’s nothing bad. Phil’s just unsure about stuff and is a handful.”

Dan was about to answer when the door opened and Eira walked out. 

“Joshua!” she screeched and hit the back of his head once she saw the cigarette. “What have I told you about that?” 

Joshua just rolled his eyes and they spoke for a few minutes before Dan and Eira headed to town. They walked side by side, Dan not saying anything. Occasionally, Eira would but other than that there was nothing but silence between them. 

As they started to make their way closer and closer to town, Dan kept his head down the entire time. Eira grabbed his hand and squeezed before letting go. She knew that Dan was uneasy. For her it was easy to see compared to their lives. They’d had it easy the last few years, but Dan didn't. He had struggled his entire life and now he had found people that accepted him; it wasn't easy to adjust to. Nor did they expect him to.

Dan hadn’t been into town since he ran away. He always was reminded of before and worried that he would have another experience like before. The day of where he was pushed into the fountain haunts him still and he’s just terrified that’ll happen again. As people started to walk by them Dan hesitantly looked up. He was met with strange looks from others. A few people gave him dirty looks. They were older people with grey eyes who fit in with society. 

He would never know what it was like to fit in. To not be an outcast. It was something Dan longed for but he knew that he never would receive. It’s something that he accepted long ago. 

Eira confidently walked beside him and he silently cursed at her. He was envious that she had no problem keeping her head held high, meanwhile he felt like his was buried in the sand. Logically, Dan  _ knew  _ that she, and the others, had been working towards that confidence for a while. So it was unfair of him to be envious. But he was and he couldn’t help it. 

As they walked into a store, Eira and Dan walked through the aisles. After a moment, Eira sent Dan to go get a basket so they could get some more things than planned. Mainly because Eira wanted to get Angel some chocolate as a present. Dan didn’t get why but he wasn’t going to question it. 

Rubbing his eyes, he went back to the front of the store and grabbed a basket. There was a lady staring at him, whom he assumed had just walked in, and she bent down and whispered something to her daughter. Dan wondered if he had done something wrong somehow. But he didn’t know because he hadn’t done anything, or at least anything that he thought of. An employee walked past, Dan assumed to go help someone, he didn’t know, and the lady stopped him as she grabbed her daughter’s hand. 

Both of them looked to Dan. He stood there like a deer caught in the headlights and the employee, James as his nametag said, walked over. 

“Sir, can I ask you to please leave?” he asked Dan. 

Dan stood there and raised his brow. “Uh,” he said. “I... I'm just getting a basket for my friend.”

The lady stood with her daughter, not budging, and continued to glare in Dan’s direction a bit. More so she was looking at the employee like he wasn’t doing enough. Her daughter started to say something but she stopped her promptly. 

“I’m sorry, but I have to ask you to leave. People like you make others uncomfortable.” 

Uncomfortable? Like him? Dan stood there before realizing that they were talking about his eyes. Instantly, he felt tears well up in his eyes and the lady scoffed. He wanted to scream. He felt the tension boiling in his throat. It was that weird sensation one felt usually just before they would start to cry. 

“Get a grip and grow up,” she muttered and marched off with her daughter on her heel. Dan just stood there with his head down, and tears started to fall from his eyes and hit the floor. He stared through his blurred vision as a tiny puddle formed on the ground. His chest was tight and it felt like someone was stepping on him. Unsure of what to do, Dan just stood there, silently crying, as the employee said again that he had to leave.

“Dan?” he heard from the distance, but he didn’t look up. It was Eira and he was hoping that she would leave him alone. Even though that wouldn't happen. She walked around the corner and stopped. “Dan?” She asked again and was confused as to what was wrong. 

Dan stood there and breathed funny, stifling a sob. He then heard the employee tell Eira that she needed to leave as well. But after that, Dan felt like the world around had been spinning and spinning and had finally come to a screeching halt. His ears were ringing and all it sounded like was people yelling for a brief minute. Then suddenly, Eira was grabbing his arm and dragging him out of the store. The basket that was in his hand had fallen and hit the ground. It echoed in Dan’s ears as Eira continued to drag him further away from the store. 

As they went back the way they came, and out of the city, Eira stopped and pulled Dan into a hug. Dan finally let the tears come fully and he started to sob. His body shook and he couldn’t stop crying. The pain in his chest grew more and more. Eira just quietly shushed him and let him cry. She understood his pain, and while this stuff didn’t bother her as much anymore, it wasn’t her place to tell Dan he couldn’t be upset. She had worked hard to get there and he was still at the beginning stages of his journey. 

“Come on honey,” she cooed, running her fingers through her hair. “Let’s get back home.” 

Dan just continued to cry, but she held him. Eira didn’t force him to move or do anything of that nature. Instead, she just simply told him when they got back Phil could comfort him too. 

Which... 

The idea of Phil made his heart skip a beat amid his breakdown and he didn’t know how to feel about it. They eventually headed back, and when they did, Dan learned that Phil was in his room, and instead of sticking around, he darted up the stairs. Ignoring how painful it was to run up a few flights of stairs, Dan, once he got up to Phil’s room, pounded on the door. He stood there with tears streaming down his cheeks. He heard Phil mutter something before he answered the door. 

“Angel I told you, I do - ” he stopped abruptly. It took Phil a moment to register Dan in front of him. “Dan? Hey, what’s wrong?” 

Dan didn’t say anything except he lunged himself at Phil and wrapped his arms around Phil’s torso, sobbing into his chest. It took Phil back slightly, both mentally and physically. He stepped back slightly after Dan’s weight was unexpectedly thrown against him. He felt Dan shake against him and he instantly wrapped his own arms around him. What had happened for Dan to be up here, sobbing like this in his arms? Phil’s chest felt a bit heavy, not from Dan, but from something else. It wasn’t anything he could put his finger on. But,...it was a nice feeling? He wanted to say at least. It didn’t come often. Only when Dan was close to him, like this. Whether it be for a good or a bad reason. 

Being careful to make sure they both didn’t fall backwards, Phil managed to get them to the bed and sitting on it without a problem. That wasn’t an easy task though as Phil was pretty much carrying Dan. Pulling him close, Dan was semi-climbing onto Phil’s lap and Phil stared at him slightly. Dan’s face was buried back into Phil’s chest as he sobbed. Rubbing his back, Phil just tried to shush Dan, and told him it was okay. He still wasn’t sure what had happened, but he assumed that it would be okay and was hoping it wasn’t a bad thing to be saying to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can come talk to me over on tumblr [@flymetomanchester](https://flymetomanchester.tumblr.com)!


End file.
